Mood: Contemplative
Listening to: Complicated - Avril Levign
While reviewing my blogs, I realized that this one in particular has been dreadfully neglected. The last entry occured when my daughter was 8. She's 16 now. Holy Danger Daggers Batman. Jeez.
Let's briefly summarize for anyone who missed it. I'm 38, living in India and have 2 daughters, 12 and 16. I also separated from my husband this year.
Every stage of parenting has it's good and, let's be honest here, soul sucking terrible times. I've been rather fortunate so far. I have good, kind teen-agers. I'm incredibly proud of them for so many reasons. I've never been a model parent, or human being for that matter, but I do try. Very hard most of the time.
I don't want to talk about the usual cliches that people find difficult about parenting. I want to talk about when you really fuck it up. Like class 5 shit storm. While I don't want to get into the details of why I find myself at this place, let's just say it isn't a good situation and I've used up a lot of patience, good will, and trust that will take quite some time to re-build.
For anyone who knows anything about my background, I got issues like Oprah's got tissues about my parents and my childhood. In preparation for and in response to my marital death, I've been on a mission to fix myself. Addressing all the ignored stuff that has been invading upon my life for as long as I can remember. For this reason, I never wanted my kids to go through what I went through. While the situation isn't exactly the same, it's close enough to be painful.
I can still remember what it felt like when I found out my parents weren't perfect. Or even particularly amazing people. They were just people, flawed and imperfect like everyone else. It was mind bending. I don't think I ever told them when it happened. It certainly wasn't something we discussed. We kept our traumas to our selves in the typical midwestern US fashion, thank you very much. That experience did, however, help me see people more compassionately and with more patience.
This issue has come up as a result of decisions I took. I did not think that they would know about these decisions, but kids are incredibly adept at ferreting out secrets. It's crazy. And anyhow it doesn't matter that they weren't supposed to know. They do.
I've tried my best to let them talk to me and express their hurt and disappointment. I've also done my best to take accountability and responsibility for the fallout. It got difficult when I realized that they would not understand why I took some of the decisions I did. And they never would because explaining further was not the right thing to do. Also, while my ex is a decent person and not trashing me as far as I know to my kids, divorce politics still affect kids, even in the best situations.
What hurts the most I think, is that in my effort to protect them, I had lied to them. A lot. I know that all parents lie and sometimes lies are necessary. I don't regret my effort to protect them from something that they didn't need to know. But I do regret the loss of trust that has resulted as well as the hurt they are feeling. I sincerely hope that I never disappoint them this badly again.
But they are my kids. I have to keep parenting even if I feel like the worst person right now. And my responsibility is to help them deal with the situation. Hopefully watching their parents fail will give them some compassion too.
~Becky~
Listening to: Complicated - Avril Levign
While reviewing my blogs, I realized that this one in particular has been dreadfully neglected. The last entry occured when my daughter was 8. She's 16 now. Holy Danger Daggers Batman. Jeez.
Let's briefly summarize for anyone who missed it. I'm 38, living in India and have 2 daughters, 12 and 16. I also separated from my husband this year.
Every stage of parenting has it's good and, let's be honest here, soul sucking terrible times. I've been rather fortunate so far. I have good, kind teen-agers. I'm incredibly proud of them for so many reasons. I've never been a model parent, or human being for that matter, but I do try. Very hard most of the time.
I don't want to talk about the usual cliches that people find difficult about parenting. I want to talk about when you really fuck it up. Like class 5 shit storm. While I don't want to get into the details of why I find myself at this place, let's just say it isn't a good situation and I've used up a lot of patience, good will, and trust that will take quite some time to re-build.
For anyone who knows anything about my background, I got issues like Oprah's got tissues about my parents and my childhood. In preparation for and in response to my marital death, I've been on a mission to fix myself. Addressing all the ignored stuff that has been invading upon my life for as long as I can remember. For this reason, I never wanted my kids to go through what I went through. While the situation isn't exactly the same, it's close enough to be painful.
I can still remember what it felt like when I found out my parents weren't perfect. Or even particularly amazing people. They were just people, flawed and imperfect like everyone else. It was mind bending. I don't think I ever told them when it happened. It certainly wasn't something we discussed. We kept our traumas to our selves in the typical midwestern US fashion, thank you very much. That experience did, however, help me see people more compassionately and with more patience.
This issue has come up as a result of decisions I took. I did not think that they would know about these decisions, but kids are incredibly adept at ferreting out secrets. It's crazy. And anyhow it doesn't matter that they weren't supposed to know. They do.
I've tried my best to let them talk to me and express their hurt and disappointment. I've also done my best to take accountability and responsibility for the fallout. It got difficult when I realized that they would not understand why I took some of the decisions I did. And they never would because explaining further was not the right thing to do. Also, while my ex is a decent person and not trashing me as far as I know to my kids, divorce politics still affect kids, even in the best situations.
What hurts the most I think, is that in my effort to protect them, I had lied to them. A lot. I know that all parents lie and sometimes lies are necessary. I don't regret my effort to protect them from something that they didn't need to know. But I do regret the loss of trust that has resulted as well as the hurt they are feeling. I sincerely hope that I never disappoint them this badly again.
But they are my kids. I have to keep parenting even if I feel like the worst person right now. And my responsibility is to help them deal with the situation. Hopefully watching their parents fail will give them some compassion too.
~Becky~
