Encouraging Your Daughters to Dance

Listening to: Pump up the Bhangra – Bali Brahmbatt

Mood: In a serious procrastination funk. I have family coming over tomorrow and I’m pulling an ostrich

This post will be much happier than my last post where I generally lamented that life raising kids is hard. Wah wah wah. Thank goodness. I really get tired of hearing myself whine sometimes.

The other day I was watching my daughters play in my living room. My youngest daughter, who is 4.5, was dancing to some pop tune that she enjoys. Her movements were free and she danced however her body felt like moving. I was so happy that she is able to express happiness in this way and completely jealous that she was so un-self conscious.

Growing up, dancing was not only not encouraged at our house, it was thought to lead to other unsavory things. I grew up in a Dutch Reformed church with strict parents, what can I say? Anyhow, anything and everything related to sexuality or our bodies in our house was quickly shut down. As I grew older, I actually wished I knew how to be comfortable enough with my own body to dance without caring. It has taken me a long time to get comfortable, and to be honest, it still takes a lot of alcohol for me to be able to let go.

My daughter caught me watching her with a big smile on my face. She immediately got embarrassed and commenced with the blushing, stammering, and not dancing.  I believe she thought I was laughing at her or thought she looked silly. I immediately told her to never be ashamed of dancing and that she was doing it just fine. After a big smile aimed my way, my little pumpkin butt went back to dancing her little heart out.

I hope she will always be so confident and able to feel comfortable with her body. It always puzzles and upsets me that we try to trap our daughters into feeling that they shouldn’t be proud of what they do, be comfortable with their bodies and what they can do, and expressing themselves however they feel like.  How can we raise girls who are confident enough to speak up for themselves if we can’t even recognize that a little girl’s body is just a body? The same as every other little girl’s body. If a girl gets joy out of dancing, or singing, or art for that matter, why should we not encourage that?

I know there are plenty of people who think that having a passion (heads out of the gutter please, a passion is anything you feel strongly about and enjoy) leads to rebellious and precocious behavior. In other words, if we let her follow her passion, she will end up using passion for something we don’t agree with – i.e. she’ll end up sleeping with some boy when she gets older.  Ladies and gentlemen, that may well happen, but not because she was encouraged to express herself the way she liked. Teaching our daughters to be comfortable with themselves is a huge lesson that is a hard one to teach these days.

We cannot avoid having out daughters pursue what they love because of something that we are afraid will happen in the future. Teaching your daughter to make good sexual choices when she is old enough is super important. By all means, teach your daughter that along with encouraging her. But this is not a sexual issue. In fact, giving her the confidence she needs in herself and her own body will probably aid her in making wiser choices when she does come to that point in her life and these lessons need to start when they are young.

These are not easy times to grow up as a girl. We may have made strides in getting equal treatment for girls, but in some regards, things have not changed all that much. We all want our daughters to grow up to be happy healthy adults, we need to help them develop the confidence to get there.

By all means daughter, dance.

How do you encourage your daughters to excel at what they enjoy?

Becky

Teaching Your Daughters That Having a Voice is Essential

Listening To: Come Out and Play - Offspring 

Mood: On.

I don’t think I’ve mentioned it on this blog (which is phenomenal, considering I’ve told every other person I’ve met between Chicago and Bangalore), but the G family has moved to India. Yep. We totally just packed up our stuff and wandered half way around the world. Let me tell you, it has been amazing so far.

Anyhow, raising kids here is slightly different than in the US. I have always felt that it is important to give your daughter(s) a voice. Girls still need to be actively taught that that not only is it ok to speak up for yourself and what you need, it’s essential. This is even more critical in India.

India is not a polite, sanitized, civilized place like the US. It is a place that in the best of times, does not treat men and women equally, and women are usually on the short end of the stick. Children are not taught to quietly take what an adult says. Because there are so many people fighting for the same resources, children are actively vocal in lobbying for what they want, even at the expense of politeness.

Moving to a new place is stressful. I still remember a few moves from my childhood that were super challenging for me to adjust to. I have generally been super proud of both of my daughters at how well they adjusted and really put in an effort to make this place a home and make friends. Both of my daughters play outside for a few hours in the evening with their friends.

That being said, we had an incident that really shocked me. I found out that my elder daughter, who is now 8, had been taking money out of my purse with which to buy candy. After much screaming, crying, and general drama (to which about half was me) she told me she was doing it to buy candy for her friends. At the best of times, my daughter doesn’t share much with me. She’s a pretty private person. Getting the whole story (or sometimes any of it) out of her is never an easy process, especially if she thinks she’ll get in trouble. After a few days, she told me that her friends were asking her to take some money and buy candy. When I asked her why she just didn’t say no and move on to playing something else, she told me she couldn’t. I don’t think I would have been more surprised at that response if my daughter whipped out an Uzi.

I have had many conversations with her about what stealing is and why it’s wrong, along with some of the consequences. I never in my wildest dreams would have thought that I would have had to deal with this situation with an 8 year old. Just because she didn’t want to say no to some pushy friends. Cue the panicky feeling that my daughter is going to grow up and make ten bazillion bad choices because she can’t stand up for herself and say no.

We talked about why it was important for her to stand up for herself and say no, even if it made her and/or others uncomfortable. Sometimes I have such thick skin, I forget that she does not. I have the feeling that someone is playing on her emotions and using her to get money for candy. I sympathized with her plea that it was hard, but told her again, that the more she practiced at this (like anything else) the better she would get.

I’m not saying that any of this excuses her behavior, it definitely does not. Nor did it negate the need for consequences in our house. I’m pretty sure the mental alarm bells for an 8 year old stealing stuff are real. I don’t want my daughter to feel like she can’t come to me if she has a problem, but there are some situations where she will just have to straighten her spine and figure out a way to get through.

There comes a time when we have to tell our daughters to just pipe down already (see: whining for 5 more hours when it’s bedtime) but this should rarely if ever be in reference to her standing up for herself. We need to stress to our girls that they deserve to stand up for themselves and that no one has the right to treat them badly. Sometimes in the struggle as parents to raise polite girls, this gets pushed to the side. Sometimes we would rather have a polite child than one that is capable of standing up for herself. I’m in no way saying that it’s ok for children to be rude. There is definitely always a way to stand up for yourself politely without giving in at all. I think this should be the goal. Telling them to play nice or be nice all the time is counter-productive. A girl should never be afraid to tell a “friend” to not talk meanly to her or treat her roughly. Learning this will help her to stand up for herself in other situations and give her the confidence to not accept crappy behavior and treatment – a crucial thing for all girls, young and old.

Becky

Playground Etiquette

Mood: blasé

Listening to: Classic Rock on TV

I took my daughters to a park yesterday. My elder daughter ran off to climb and my younger one got set in the grass to play. All of a sudden, my older daughter came running up to me, crying, with blood streaming from her nose to her chin. At first, I thought she fell and knocked out some teeth, but it turned out she was hit in the nose by a stray Frisbee. I looked for a tissue to stop the bleeding and then looked around for the person who did it or a parent to at least see if she was ok. Nothing. No one but a great older grandpa offering me some wipes. His grandkids still needed to be carried around, so I was pretty sure it wasn’t related to him at all. Thank you so much by the way super grandpa! I later learned that the boy who threw the Frisbee had apologized to my daughter, but it was still the weirdest thing. Any time your kid runs up to you with a bloody face, it’s very upsetting, especially if someone else was involved, but is nowhere to be seen. Isn’t this basic playground etiquette? If your child hurts someone, even accidentally, don’t you at least tell the other parent something happened? Offer your best apologies and make sure the other child is ok? Perhaps they were afraid I would go nuts. After all, some parents are a little crazy these days, especially when a bloody face is involved. Still. They had to see the blood running down her face. That would at least appear a little serious. It’s not just running into another child.

I just think it sets a good example when parents show their child how to react when someone gets hurt, even if it was just an accident. Not all parents are psychos. Kids get hurt and it was an accident. I may not have been quite as understanding if the boy had punched her, but it was definitely an accident. If this happens to your child, make sure you set a good example. Find the other parent and explain what happened. Even if they do fly off the hook, and lots do when their child gets hurt, you will still be teaching your child to take responsibility for his or her actions, even if they accidentally hurt someone else.

Becky