Heartbreaking and Exciting, All in the Same Breath

Listening to: Angel  - Aerosmith

Mood: Optimistic

Thanks to our moving half way around the globe, our daughters had almost a full year without any institutionalized schooling.  There were many successful and even more unsuccessful attempts to teach them things at home too. All in all, it has been a LOT of togetherness time for the girls and me. I both love it and get tired of it.

The time has come for them to once again hop on board the white and green school bus (we don’t have yellow ones here) and leave for the day. Well, at least my oldest will leave for the day, the youngest will only be gone a half day. This was recent and largely unwelcome news for me. Not only was my first in school all day by this age, I really feel like my younger one could do with some independent time from me and her sister so she can make her own friends and develop her own personality.

There has been much talk lately about whether or not I should get a job when the kids are in school full time and if that job should be me starting a business. I was generally very excited about this new phase of life. Having my youngest in school only half time pretty much curtails that all together. Between finding a job, transportation, care for them after school, there really isn’t much sense to be had out of this.

My eldest daughter spent last night fretting and repeating that she was scared. Her first 3 months in an Indian school were indeed rough for her, but she made friends and did fine in school. I reminded her gently, but she will still have to see for herself that she can do it and will be fine.

My youngest is also apprehensive, but I think it’s more to do with the stories her sister told her than anything else. It’s probably intimidating for her to have to go to her own classroom also. My girls usually are found together. They are sisters after all.

I have a 1 week reprieve before I have to put the youngest on the bus also as the younger ones start 1 week later. I’m not a crier. I won’t get emotional watching them both get on the bus. But I know the house will be very empty, and very, very quiet. I look forward to having a small chunk of time for myself for the first time in almost 8 years, yet I still worry that things will be hard for them. Will they enjoy their class? Will the teacher be nice? Will my youngest get lost in the school? I know these are all silly worries and that the girls will be fine, but it’s still hard not to worry.

Their time as babies is over. It’s both exhilarating to see them grow and thrive and heartbreaking that I will never hold their warm, squishy little bald heads up under my chin as I rock them to sleep.

My apologies for getting a bit maudlin here at the end. I keep waiting for it to get easier that they are growing up, but it never does.

Becky

Some Examples of Why Raising Little Girls is Awesome

Listening to: Tonight’s Gonna Be a Good Night – Black Eyed Peas

Mood: Optimistic

Hello folks. I know I’ve been rather absent from this blog for a while. I’ve mostly been over at Following the Masala and Just PassingThrough. I seem to have more to say in those forums. My life has been SO full of my daughters this past year, sometimes the last thing I want to do is sit down and write about them in my free time too.

I know the tone of this blog has been a wee bit dark as of late, and for that I apologize once again. I’ve turned into a bit of a whiner and a Negative Nancy about some things we’re dealing with and that isn’t good for anyone. I’ll get to what the strategy is that has been helping us deal with undesirable behavior in the next post. As to what’s been helping me be a better mom, it’s a big ole dose of put your big girl panties on, adjust your own attitude, and act like an adult. A hard pill to swallow, no doubt, but if the nurses start acting like the psych patients, we’re all on a sinking ship.

Anyhow. I wanted to share with you what I consider to be some of the fun moments you get when Mother nature graces you with a girl baby or two. I find it absolutely tragic that in some places in the world, girl babies are a liability and are not valued, and occasionally not even tolerated. I wouldn’t trade my daughters for boys for anything in the world. However, Mother Nature, if you should be so kind to bless this house with a boy, I would be thrilled about too. Hint hint, elbow elbow.  Ahem.

There is nothing on earth like a clean little girl, fresh out of the bathtub. I know boys are cute, but girls in footie pajamas with neatly combed hair are just adorable. Especially when this is almost the only time when you see yours clean and fully dressed.  There’s also that lovely smell that hangs around them after they dry, especially their hair. This goes away after they grow up a bit, tragically.

Little girls have adorable clothes. My husband has threatened me with a restraining order from certain stores just so I won’t sit in the baby/toddler isle and cry over all the squee worthy clothes my daughters no longer fit in. I’m not a mom who gets all crazy about only putting her daughters in pink, but I like pink too. It screams innocence, which they are because they’re little girls. Any nice bright color is good though. Don’t get me started with the dresses.

Little girls are much more fun to fix their hair. There’s only so much you can do with a little boy’s hair without people thinking there’s something really wrong with you. Pig tails and braids are pretty much out. Again, my daughters are never so cute as after they’ve gotten dressed for the day (in clean clothes!) and have had their hair fixed. I won’t see them that neat/clean again until evening baths. I’ve never understood the people who can go out with their kids clean and neat all the time. That just never worked out that well for our family. I love watching them be concerned about wearing cute clothes and fixing their hair, only to not care a half hour later, because they are children after all.

Girls are inherently softer and more in tuned with emotions around them. Yes, it was a generalization, but it is somewhat true. Leave alone if it’s fair and good to do, it’s how people behave towards girls. I love the need to snuggle, the need to talk about feelings, the not being embarrassed to get hugs even though the oldest is 8.

Enjoy your girls ladies and gentlemen.

Becky

Teaching Your Daughters That Having a Voice is Essential

Listening To: Come Out and Play - Offspring 

Mood: On.

I don’t think I’ve mentioned it on this blog (which is phenomenal, considering I’ve told every other person I’ve met between Chicago and Bangalore), but the G family has moved to India. Yep. We totally just packed up our stuff and wandered half way around the world. Let me tell you, it has been amazing so far.

Anyhow, raising kids here is slightly different than in the US. I have always felt that it is important to give your daughter(s) a voice. Girls still need to be actively taught that that not only is it ok to speak up for yourself and what you need, it’s essential. This is even more critical in India.

India is not a polite, sanitized, civilized place like the US. It is a place that in the best of times, does not treat men and women equally, and women are usually on the short end of the stick. Children are not taught to quietly take what an adult says. Because there are so many people fighting for the same resources, children are actively vocal in lobbying for what they want, even at the expense of politeness.

Moving to a new place is stressful. I still remember a few moves from my childhood that were super challenging for me to adjust to. I have generally been super proud of both of my daughters at how well they adjusted and really put in an effort to make this place a home and make friends. Both of my daughters play outside for a few hours in the evening with their friends.

That being said, we had an incident that really shocked me. I found out that my elder daughter, who is now 8, had been taking money out of my purse with which to buy candy. After much screaming, crying, and general drama (to which about half was me) she told me she was doing it to buy candy for her friends. At the best of times, my daughter doesn’t share much with me. She’s a pretty private person. Getting the whole story (or sometimes any of it) out of her is never an easy process, especially if she thinks she’ll get in trouble. After a few days, she told me that her friends were asking her to take some money and buy candy. When I asked her why she just didn’t say no and move on to playing something else, she told me she couldn’t. I don’t think I would have been more surprised at that response if my daughter whipped out an Uzi.

I have had many conversations with her about what stealing is and why it’s wrong, along with some of the consequences. I never in my wildest dreams would have thought that I would have had to deal with this situation with an 8 year old. Just because she didn’t want to say no to some pushy friends. Cue the panicky feeling that my daughter is going to grow up and make ten bazillion bad choices because she can’t stand up for herself and say no.

We talked about why it was important for her to stand up for herself and say no, even if it made her and/or others uncomfortable. Sometimes I have such thick skin, I forget that she does not. I have the feeling that someone is playing on her emotions and using her to get money for candy. I sympathized with her plea that it was hard, but told her again, that the more she practiced at this (like anything else) the better she would get.

I’m not saying that any of this excuses her behavior, it definitely does not. Nor did it negate the need for consequences in our house. I’m pretty sure the mental alarm bells for an 8 year old stealing stuff are real. I don’t want my daughter to feel like she can’t come to me if she has a problem, but there are some situations where she will just have to straighten her spine and figure out a way to get through.

There comes a time when we have to tell our daughters to just pipe down already (see: whining for 5 more hours when it’s bedtime) but this should rarely if ever be in reference to her standing up for herself. We need to stress to our girls that they deserve to stand up for themselves and that no one has the right to treat them badly. Sometimes in the struggle as parents to raise polite girls, this gets pushed to the side. Sometimes we would rather have a polite child than one that is capable of standing up for herself. I’m in no way saying that it’s ok for children to be rude. There is definitely always a way to stand up for yourself politely without giving in at all. I think this should be the goal. Telling them to play nice or be nice all the time is counter-productive. A girl should never be afraid to tell a “friend” to not talk meanly to her or treat her roughly. Learning this will help her to stand up for herself in other situations and give her the confidence to not accept crappy behavior and treatment – a crucial thing for all girls, young and old.

Becky