Parenting Without Makeup

Folks, this post is going to come out angry and bitter. My apologies for this. I have been trying to get my frustration, anger and sense of helplessness under control for the past 2 months and for some reason, I just can’t seem to get my shit together.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, we have been having some rather serious behavior problems with my eldest daughter. It was pure and utter hell to have to straighten my back every single day and deal with the shit storm that descended on our house. My husband was in the US, so all of the problems landed squarely on my shoulders. Everyday brought some new problem or some new behavior that I had to deal with. These weren’t small problems that I should just get a grip about either.  We had a small lull in the storm about a week before my husband came home. I allowed myself to exhale and slowly try and heal my very frayed nerves and battered sense of self.

My husband came home and we found the other side of the shit storm. Kind of like a hurricane, this was just a small eye in the middle.  I understand that kids do not react well to change. I’ve had the past 8 years to learn that lesson, over and over again. I’m sure that her behavior has something to do with her Dad suddenly being home again. The problem for me, is that my husband works. A lot. He’s a fantastic provider and he loves his girls and I like crazy, but he is just not there to back me up for the everyday stuff that I have to deal with. 

My daughter has been fighting nonstop with her sister (who definitely does her part too), lying, disappearing, and sneaking off when she’s supposed to be at summer camp. They are already grounded for the disappearing act, so they are home all day, every day.   I feel like I cannot take my eyes off them for one minute or trust them with anything.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was this evening. I went to pay the camp director and discovered that my children were not in with the rest. After about 15 minutes of searching, my daughters and their friend walked by and realized that I had seen them. They snuck into our clubhouse building and out through the backdoor to the playground. They did not have permission to go and play around, nor were they supposed to leave an activity that they were supposed to participate in. I followed them and asked my daughter what she was doing. She lied her little butt off and told me that the camp director had sent her off to play. If that was the case, which is just about the most ridiculous thing I can think of, they wouldn’t have ran off when they saw me. My kids always greet me when they see me outside. This was pure sneaking and naughtiness.

My husband has been urging me to stop yelling so much. I hate the way I feel when I lose my shit yet again and yell at them for doing something I have told them not to at least 20 times before. The behavior has gotten so accumulative that I feel like I’m yelling ALL. THE. TIME. now. Nothing I say or do is getting through at all.

I am so incredibly frustrated and tired of feeling like I’m beating my head against a brick wall with no result except frustration on my part that I’m not getting the results I want. I have gotten to the point where I do not even want to talk to my children because I am far, far too angry to talk to them reasonably, and because I feel it will do no good.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is parenting without the makeup. It’s not the cute pink and blue onesies, or the hugs, or the feel good moments. They are definitely part of the package, but no one ever tells you about the other half. It’s the daily fight you put in to produce good people. You are the only one responsible for how your kids turn out. To top it off, if you have any decency as a human being, you just can’t quit. No matter what kind of shit your kid throws at you, you have to get back in there the next day and do it over again. When you have an independent child who prefers to make his or her own decisions, it can be like slowly peeling your nerves back every single day. You will be standing somewhere screaming “What the hell am I doing wrong that I can’t get through?” and no one will answer you.

I love having kids, but there are days like today where I feel so absolutely raw that I wonder if I am honestly up to the challenge in front of me. In my darkest moments, I wonder if I even should have had kids. Watching yourself fail on a regular basis will do that to you. I love those two girls with every breath in my body and it is very rarely returned. There is no courtesy, there is no dignity, there is no cooperation.  In their struggle to become independent people, I am disappearing.

To top it all off, my inlaws are coming over to stay for a week next week, so this drama will continue to play out in front of other people. Awesome. Nothing like having unpleasant family drama play out in front of people and get them to think you're doing it all wrong too.

By all means, if you’re going to be a parent, go in with your eyes open. It’s worth it. But sweet god damn is  it ever hard. I’m at the point where I don’t think I can go down any further.

If you have any advice, I’d love to hear it because I am tired of feeling like I have failed in regards to them yet again.

Becky