Heartbreaking and Exciting, All in the Same Breath

Listening to: Angel  - Aerosmith

Mood: Optimistic

Thanks to our moving half way around the globe, our daughters had almost a full year without any institutionalized schooling.  There were many successful and even more unsuccessful attempts to teach them things at home too. All in all, it has been a LOT of togetherness time for the girls and me. I both love it and get tired of it.

The time has come for them to once again hop on board the white and green school bus (we don’t have yellow ones here) and leave for the day. Well, at least my oldest will leave for the day, the youngest will only be gone a half day. This was recent and largely unwelcome news for me. Not only was my first in school all day by this age, I really feel like my younger one could do with some independent time from me and her sister so she can make her own friends and develop her own personality.

There has been much talk lately about whether or not I should get a job when the kids are in school full time and if that job should be me starting a business. I was generally very excited about this new phase of life. Having my youngest in school only half time pretty much curtails that all together. Between finding a job, transportation, care for them after school, there really isn’t much sense to be had out of this.

My eldest daughter spent last night fretting and repeating that she was scared. Her first 3 months in an Indian school were indeed rough for her, but she made friends and did fine in school. I reminded her gently, but she will still have to see for herself that she can do it and will be fine.

My youngest is also apprehensive, but I think it’s more to do with the stories her sister told her than anything else. It’s probably intimidating for her to have to go to her own classroom also. My girls usually are found together. They are sisters after all.

I have a 1 week reprieve before I have to put the youngest on the bus also as the younger ones start 1 week later. I’m not a crier. I won’t get emotional watching them both get on the bus. But I know the house will be very empty, and very, very quiet. I look forward to having a small chunk of time for myself for the first time in almost 8 years, yet I still worry that things will be hard for them. Will they enjoy their class? Will the teacher be nice? Will my youngest get lost in the school? I know these are all silly worries and that the girls will be fine, but it’s still hard not to worry.

Their time as babies is over. It’s both exhilarating to see them grow and thrive and heartbreaking that I will never hold their warm, squishy little bald heads up under my chin as I rock them to sleep.

My apologies for getting a bit maudlin here at the end. I keep waiting for it to get easier that they are growing up, but it never does.

Becky

Swimming in a Tar Pit

Mood: Exasperated

Listening to: American Pie – Don McLean along with my ghetto-booty wall sleeve air conditioner that will doubtlessly vibrate itself out onto the porch any minute now. Yippee.

I have once more emerged from the black hole of the internets once again to provide you with a taste of the rediculosity that is parenting. I know I’ve been away from a while (again!). I sincerely hope no one is checking back in every few days for inspiration. I hate it when I check back on a blog every day for a month to find the same entry staring me in the face. That’s just kind of how life is going these days.

While I was absent, I took my two progeny to visit my mother, best friend, and grandparents in Chicago and Michigan. For the most part, it was a great trip and fun was had by all. The rest we’ll dig into with a spoon in another blog.

And now for something completely different, last night I was contemplating how detrimental it would be to pipe mashed potatoes in my ears. Just to deaden the noise. You see, my baby is 7.5 months old now, and to my dismay, has decided that she is a screamer. And a yeller. She screams for food, she screams for a clean diaper, she screams to be picked up, she screams because she’s happy. Hell, she screams just for the joy of making so much noise. The problem with all this is that I have wood floors in my apartment and it’s not overly furnished with noise reduction items like love seats and curtains. I seriously have to cover my ears at times it is so shrill. And she does it all the time. She has been so different from my eldest daughter. In almost every aspect, she has been a much more difficult baby. It really calls my sanity into question when I still insist I want more kids.

I’ve always thought that having kids and trying to preserve your own identity is like trying to go swimming in a tar pit. Some people realize this before they have kids and jump in anyway, others, like me, don’t realize it until much later. Of course if you aren’t really interested in preserving your own identity sans kids and are totally sold on a new mommy identity, you have already sunk. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Of course most of us moms that identify with losing our identity get an inordinate amount of joy from said tar pit (i.e. our kids), it still gets a little depressing at times. I’ve told my husband many times that if I were able to just coast along never cooking or cleaning a thing, I’d probably handle motherhood just fine. The minute I start to put fight and cook or clean, little tar limbs appear out of nowhere needing lots of different things. My 4 year old is much better than the baby, but the ability to talk and get bored have inspired her to think of lots of unnecessary things to bother me to fetch for her. I.e. milk, a scissors, finger paints, a taco salad (seriously, wtf?). At least when it’s moderately temperate outside we can go for a walk or to the park. When Mother Nature decides to turn into a steam cooker, we’re not only stuck together, we’re stuck together in my 1000 square foot apartment. For the 18 or so hours they are awake.

*Cue tragic sigh. I’m sure I’ll miss all of this as they get older.
Becky

Losing Yourself

Listening to: Hermie’s Christmas Movie (A kid’s movie)
Mood: Frazzled

I’m in the middle of one of those days. The kind where all you really want to do is run away and join the circus just to get some sanity back. My 2 month old is practicing her Velcro abilities and exercising her lungs. My 4 year old is her usual psychotic, manic self and wants me to discuss the details of everything we look at. We had to stop at Target today after I got my 4 year old from Preschool . I’m sure you can imagine how taking an hour to obtain paper towels and sinus medication was not my idea of entertainment. I got to thinking in the car, as I was desperately trying to mentally block out the banshee, “I’m hungry. Right. This. Minute.” wail of Peanut in the back seat. I finally determined that I have lost any and all mental powers of concentration and have temporarily lost any sense of self. I remember having this happen with my eldest daughter when she was an infant. I thought it was just because I was 22 and hadn’t really found myself anyhow. It got better as she got a little older and entertained herself by crawling as fast as possible towards anything remotely fun. (read dangerous.) However, Peanut is one of the most difficult babies that I have ever come across. She has taken much more time and energy than her sister ever did. I think it’s a little harder for me this time because I have things I know I want to do. Grown up things, like planning the day, blogging, and learning excel. Trying to do anything but the basics (read breathing) requires some concentration, which between the 2 of my kiddos, I cannot seem to find any of. Eating, getting dressed, and even sleeping has its challenges these days. It has really been hard this time around to lose any sense of self and adult intelligence in favor of wishing my ear drums were stuffed with mashed potatoes so I would not have to listen to screaming and nonstop preschooler chatter. Don’t get me wrong here. I absolutely adore having kids. I love it. I love having a baby in the house. However, I still crave for adult type thought processes and interactions. It keeps you sane. I never planned on being a housewife, not to mention a stay at home mom for as long as I have. In a way, I’ve been blessed. I’ve been able to enjoy both my kids, well, being kids. In another way, it makes you a little crazy. Working on my blogs has been a bit depressing for me lately. I have lost some of my wonderful sense of humor. I lack the concentration to be funny. It just comes out forced and a little desperate. I know that as Peanut gets a little older, my posts will get better. In the mean time, I will subject you to mediocre humor. Hey – at least it won’t make you wish for those mashed potatoes.

Have a great week,
Becky