Swearing and the Sex Talk

Mood: Stabby. Someone is doing construction in the apartment above ours and for some reason, must pound on the floor all the time. For the past week. Stabby people.

Listening to: Minority – Green Day.  As well as the pounding.

I understand why it’s thrilling for kids to swear. I remember my own illustrious track record with using the most offensive words I knew, of course never so that my parents could hear me. That would have resulted in a beating that prevented me from sitting down for a few weeks – I was much too smart to get caught. 

However, my vocabulary was quite limited until I got into Jr. High. In fact, the year I turned 13, we moved down to the Florida Keys. That was the beginning of the end. I was thrown in with a lot of kids who had a lot more world exposure than I did. What can I say, I was a sheltered kid. My “boyfriend” took perverse delight in teaching me all kinds of fun words, and hoo boy did I ever put them to good use. Some 17 years later, I still have a mind that would put a sailor to shame. My husband has finally given up his campaign to clean up my mouth when I talk to him, because really, not happening. This type thing only comes out in front of my husband, and occasionally good friends if I’ve been drinking.

One thing that I have been almost paranoid type careful about is not swearing in front of my daughters. How can I expect them to talk politely if I am not a good example? As far as I know, I have never sworn in front of them. Well folks, I’ve been relieved of the shame of being the one to break their swear word cherries. Some little punk ass kids beat me to it. Not only have they been taught a word that will make my mother faint, it’s the mack daddy of all the swear words. That’s right, it’s my favorite – Fuck. For some reason, it’s heart breaking for me to hear my 4 year old tell me that “this boy I know” Hitish says fuck all the time. I am relieved they didn’t learn it from me, but I still am pissed that they had to hear such things at a young age.

Daddy G saw red and wanted to pass out beatings to the little offender.  I vetoed that idea, as we are trying to avoid beating the G-lets. I sat the girls down and explained exactly what “fuck” means and told them I expect it not to come out of their mouths for at least 15 more years, longer for the youngest. My husband came in after they went to bed and asked me how I explained it.  

“It’s an extremely rude word for what mommies and daddies do to make a baby.” Was my calm reply.

He burst out into embarrassed, amused laughter.

“What?” I asked as innocently as possible.

“Oh nothing, it’s just so…accurate.”

“Well Daddy G, it’s more fun to say if the meaning is a mystery. It’s also less fun to say if it doesn’t embarrass your parents.”

“I can’t believe you just talk to them about sex like that.” He said, turning as red as his brown skin allows.

Sigh. “Daddy G, if it becomes a non-taboo subject and they feel we can talk about it, I’m hoping it won’t be something they feel the need to sneak around and discover on their own in a non-responsible way”

“Still.” He said, still embarrassed.

“I cannot believe you are such a prude about these things. You certainly didn’t balk when you and I explored sex in the most irresponsible way ever.”

“Can we not talk about sex, us, and our daughters in the same sentence??” he begged, rapidly backing out of the room.

“Chicken!” I called after him.

At least one of us is going to be a grown up about the sex conversation. Until then, to the little punk who teaches my daughters offensive words: I have 22 years of learning on you. I can put your little behind in place without using those words at all. I suggest you don't try me. I know who your mother is also, and I'm sure she wouldn't approve.

Becky

Love and Logic - For When You Need Extra Help

Listening to: Angel  - Aerosmith

Mood: Optimistic

As I was mentioning earlier, the G family has had some rough times as of late in the form of some rather large and tricky behavior issues. I decided to get in touch with a very good friend of mine who has always guided me straight and given me some good advice. We don’t talk to each other much anymore. There’s an age difference, a distance issue, lives being busy, and a pretty huge religion issue hanging between us, but I still consider him a good friend and someone who I trust enough to ask advice. He was my youth pastor when I was in high school during some of the darkest times for me.  He even married Daddy G and I without the condescending disappointment that I got from so many other friends and family in the church at the time. He and his wife seem to have a very solid relationship and have raised two happy, healthy kids. I respect them both a whole lot.

The web site he pointed me to was www.loveandlogic.com.  Just so we’re clear, I’m not a big fan of programs. The site is indeed a business and they do have products to sell. I am not a fan of seminars, and buying lots of books about the same philosophy, but if you are, help yourself.  What the website does have, however, is a clear view into their strategy with dealing with kids. This isn’t a “the only way to find the answers is to buy our books” type deal. The answers are there on the web site.

The reason why I liked this website so much is that it gives practical answers on how to deal with some tough situations and calls parents out on contributing to bad behavior. It also aims to do this without anger, sarcasm, shouting, or spanking. It’s a wonderful reference and wonderful reassurance that if you stick with it, the results will be worth the momentary discomfort of refocusing behavior.  Sometimes even the best of us parents get caught up in negative responses and behaviors that aren’t good examples for our kids. A gentle reminder is awesome.

If you want to check out the free resources online, click the “Parents” tab and scroll down to Free Resources. I read through them all because I was so impressed with their concept. Stressing to kids that their behaviors made you sad instead of angry, disgusted, etc, is a novel concept for people like me who have a very hard time taking excessive emotion and hyperbole out of raising children. Consequences are given, but they are given in a loving way. “Oh, how sad. You must have been frustrated to feel like you need to throw your toys.  That made me very tired. I think if you wipe off the table for me, I may have some more energy to play with you.” “How sad you didn’t want to help me get my energy back by wiping off the table. That’s okay, you can buy back my energy by letting me borrow your favorite toy for a while.” And then not arguing with the child about it.  If you must say something, let it be, “I love you too much to argue.” It’s so simple it’s almost criminal. Of course a child used to getting his or her way (or getting attention from a big, drawn out scene and argument) you can’t expect them to change their tune overnight. However, I’ve found that once children understand that the parent is in control of both themselves and the situation, they tend to fall into line pretty quickly. Of course positive reinforcement never hurts. Make sure you are giving attention for positive behaviors, because attention is what the child is after anyhow.

Just the other day, Daddy G and I were taking a walk by ourselves when we noticed some black marker on the hallway outside our door. With a disheartened sigh, we recognized our daughter’s handwriting. To our dismay, there were some very rude words written in the same black marker inside the elevator.  We decided to confront our daughter about it and see if there was any further evidence.

After she came home from playing, we asked to see the bag of toys she had brought outside.  Sure enough, there was a big, black permanent marker in there. We decided to wait until dinner to have a discussion about what to do with the little offender.

At dinner time, I’m proud to say that there was a calm, logical discussion of what happened. My daughter tried the old deny, deny, deny tactic, but after a while she knew the gig was up. We calmly talked about why it happened and what the rude words meant (turns out, she didn’t even know and one friend is a not so great influence by telling her that word). We also told her that Daddy G and I would be deciding the consequences and letting her know what they would be.

All I have to say is check it out and give it a try folks. Daddy G and I have never felt so calm about disciplining and making the best of a crappy situation. We felt like WE were in control of the situation and that our kids were calm because they didn’t have any emotion from our side, except mild disappointment, to feed on.

Becky

Heartbreaking and Exciting, All in the Same Breath

Listening to: Angel  - Aerosmith

Mood: Optimistic

Thanks to our moving half way around the globe, our daughters had almost a full year without any institutionalized schooling.  There were many successful and even more unsuccessful attempts to teach them things at home too. All in all, it has been a LOT of togetherness time for the girls and me. I both love it and get tired of it.

The time has come for them to once again hop on board the white and green school bus (we don’t have yellow ones here) and leave for the day. Well, at least my oldest will leave for the day, the youngest will only be gone a half day. This was recent and largely unwelcome news for me. Not only was my first in school all day by this age, I really feel like my younger one could do with some independent time from me and her sister so she can make her own friends and develop her own personality.

There has been much talk lately about whether or not I should get a job when the kids are in school full time and if that job should be me starting a business. I was generally very excited about this new phase of life. Having my youngest in school only half time pretty much curtails that all together. Between finding a job, transportation, care for them after school, there really isn’t much sense to be had out of this.

My eldest daughter spent last night fretting and repeating that she was scared. Her first 3 months in an Indian school were indeed rough for her, but she made friends and did fine in school. I reminded her gently, but she will still have to see for herself that she can do it and will be fine.

My youngest is also apprehensive, but I think it’s more to do with the stories her sister told her than anything else. It’s probably intimidating for her to have to go to her own classroom also. My girls usually are found together. They are sisters after all.

I have a 1 week reprieve before I have to put the youngest on the bus also as the younger ones start 1 week later. I’m not a crier. I won’t get emotional watching them both get on the bus. But I know the house will be very empty, and very, very quiet. I look forward to having a small chunk of time for myself for the first time in almost 8 years, yet I still worry that things will be hard for them. Will they enjoy their class? Will the teacher be nice? Will my youngest get lost in the school? I know these are all silly worries and that the girls will be fine, but it’s still hard not to worry.

Their time as babies is over. It’s both exhilarating to see them grow and thrive and heartbreaking that I will never hold their warm, squishy little bald heads up under my chin as I rock them to sleep.

My apologies for getting a bit maudlin here at the end. I keep waiting for it to get easier that they are growing up, but it never does.

Becky

Some Examples of Why Raising Little Girls is Awesome

Listening to: Tonight’s Gonna Be a Good Night – Black Eyed Peas

Mood: Optimistic

Hello folks. I know I’ve been rather absent from this blog for a while. I’ve mostly been over at Following the Masala and Just PassingThrough. I seem to have more to say in those forums. My life has been SO full of my daughters this past year, sometimes the last thing I want to do is sit down and write about them in my free time too.

I know the tone of this blog has been a wee bit dark as of late, and for that I apologize once again. I’ve turned into a bit of a whiner and a Negative Nancy about some things we’re dealing with and that isn’t good for anyone. I’ll get to what the strategy is that has been helping us deal with undesirable behavior in the next post. As to what’s been helping me be a better mom, it’s a big ole dose of put your big girl panties on, adjust your own attitude, and act like an adult. A hard pill to swallow, no doubt, but if the nurses start acting like the psych patients, we’re all on a sinking ship.

Anyhow. I wanted to share with you what I consider to be some of the fun moments you get when Mother nature graces you with a girl baby or two. I find it absolutely tragic that in some places in the world, girl babies are a liability and are not valued, and occasionally not even tolerated. I wouldn’t trade my daughters for boys for anything in the world. However, Mother Nature, if you should be so kind to bless this house with a boy, I would be thrilled about too. Hint hint, elbow elbow.  Ahem.

There is nothing on earth like a clean little girl, fresh out of the bathtub. I know boys are cute, but girls in footie pajamas with neatly combed hair are just adorable. Especially when this is almost the only time when you see yours clean and fully dressed.  There’s also that lovely smell that hangs around them after they dry, especially their hair. This goes away after they grow up a bit, tragically.

Little girls have adorable clothes. My husband has threatened me with a restraining order from certain stores just so I won’t sit in the baby/toddler isle and cry over all the squee worthy clothes my daughters no longer fit in. I’m not a mom who gets all crazy about only putting her daughters in pink, but I like pink too. It screams innocence, which they are because they’re little girls. Any nice bright color is good though. Don’t get me started with the dresses.

Little girls are much more fun to fix their hair. There’s only so much you can do with a little boy’s hair without people thinking there’s something really wrong with you. Pig tails and braids are pretty much out. Again, my daughters are never so cute as after they’ve gotten dressed for the day (in clean clothes!) and have had their hair fixed. I won’t see them that neat/clean again until evening baths. I’ve never understood the people who can go out with their kids clean and neat all the time. That just never worked out that well for our family. I love watching them be concerned about wearing cute clothes and fixing their hair, only to not care a half hour later, because they are children after all.

Girls are inherently softer and more in tuned with emotions around them. Yes, it was a generalization, but it is somewhat true. Leave alone if it’s fair and good to do, it’s how people behave towards girls. I love the need to snuggle, the need to talk about feelings, the not being embarrassed to get hugs even though the oldest is 8.

Enjoy your girls ladies and gentlemen.

Becky

Here We Go Again

Listening to: Fall to Pieces – Velvet Revolver

Mood: Tired and Discouraged

I distinctly remember not signing up to get on the carousel. In fact, I despise carousels. Round and round, covering the same ground, seeing the same thing again and again.

Please do excuse my melancholy. I caught my 8 year old taking money out of my wallet again. I am just utterly deflated at the moment. At least her father was home this time to help me deal with it, but it’s still absolutely discouraging.

This past evening, we had a “Come to Jesus” talk with the daughter. It was an excruciating conversation for me to listen to and was all around unpleasant for everyone involved.  Much crying and hurt feelings ensued – not all of them mine.

I am petrified that this will continue and snowball into something I can’t control – hell I already seem to be failing at controlling this whole nonsense. It doesn’t even seem to matter to her that she is taking something from someone else. We have instituted lockdown again with some additional consequences like doing chores to pay back the money.

I’m pretty much out of ideas at this point. I have been trying desperately to avoid physical punishment, but nothing else seems to be making a dent.

Why does it look so easy when everyone else does it? Why do I have to feel like I can’t just relax and enjoy my kids rather than being a hardass? The minute I give an inch, we end up back here. I’m tired of always being the responsible one.

Becky

Encouraging Your Daughters to Dance

Listening to: Pump up the Bhangra – Bali Brahmbatt

Mood: In a serious procrastination funk. I have family coming over tomorrow and I’m pulling an ostrich

This post will be much happier than my last post where I generally lamented that life raising kids is hard. Wah wah wah. Thank goodness. I really get tired of hearing myself whine sometimes.

The other day I was watching my daughters play in my living room. My youngest daughter, who is 4.5, was dancing to some pop tune that she enjoys. Her movements were free and she danced however her body felt like moving. I was so happy that she is able to express happiness in this way and completely jealous that she was so un-self conscious.

Growing up, dancing was not only not encouraged at our house, it was thought to lead to other unsavory things. I grew up in a Dutch Reformed church with strict parents, what can I say? Anyhow, anything and everything related to sexuality or our bodies in our house was quickly shut down. As I grew older, I actually wished I knew how to be comfortable enough with my own body to dance without caring. It has taken me a long time to get comfortable, and to be honest, it still takes a lot of alcohol for me to be able to let go.

My daughter caught me watching her with a big smile on my face. She immediately got embarrassed and commenced with the blushing, stammering, and not dancing.  I believe she thought I was laughing at her or thought she looked silly. I immediately told her to never be ashamed of dancing and that she was doing it just fine. After a big smile aimed my way, my little pumpkin butt went back to dancing her little heart out.

I hope she will always be so confident and able to feel comfortable with her body. It always puzzles and upsets me that we try to trap our daughters into feeling that they shouldn’t be proud of what they do, be comfortable with their bodies and what they can do, and expressing themselves however they feel like.  How can we raise girls who are confident enough to speak up for themselves if we can’t even recognize that a little girl’s body is just a body? The same as every other little girl’s body. If a girl gets joy out of dancing, or singing, or art for that matter, why should we not encourage that?

I know there are plenty of people who think that having a passion (heads out of the gutter please, a passion is anything you feel strongly about and enjoy) leads to rebellious and precocious behavior. In other words, if we let her follow her passion, she will end up using passion for something we don’t agree with – i.e. she’ll end up sleeping with some boy when she gets older.  Ladies and gentlemen, that may well happen, but not because she was encouraged to express herself the way she liked. Teaching our daughters to be comfortable with themselves is a huge lesson that is a hard one to teach these days.

We cannot avoid having out daughters pursue what they love because of something that we are afraid will happen in the future. Teaching your daughter to make good sexual choices when she is old enough is super important. By all means, teach your daughter that along with encouraging her. But this is not a sexual issue. In fact, giving her the confidence she needs in herself and her own body will probably aid her in making wiser choices when she does come to that point in her life and these lessons need to start when they are young.

These are not easy times to grow up as a girl. We may have made strides in getting equal treatment for girls, but in some regards, things have not changed all that much. We all want our daughters to grow up to be happy healthy adults, we need to help them develop the confidence to get there.

By all means daughter, dance.

How do you encourage your daughters to excel at what they enjoy?

Becky

Parenting Without Makeup

Folks, this post is going to come out angry and bitter. My apologies for this. I have been trying to get my frustration, anger and sense of helplessness under control for the past 2 months and for some reason, I just can’t seem to get my shit together.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, we have been having some rather serious behavior problems with my eldest daughter. It was pure and utter hell to have to straighten my back every single day and deal with the shit storm that descended on our house. My husband was in the US, so all of the problems landed squarely on my shoulders. Everyday brought some new problem or some new behavior that I had to deal with. These weren’t small problems that I should just get a grip about either.  We had a small lull in the storm about a week before my husband came home. I allowed myself to exhale and slowly try and heal my very frayed nerves and battered sense of self.

My husband came home and we found the other side of the shit storm. Kind of like a hurricane, this was just a small eye in the middle.  I understand that kids do not react well to change. I’ve had the past 8 years to learn that lesson, over and over again. I’m sure that her behavior has something to do with her Dad suddenly being home again. The problem for me, is that my husband works. A lot. He’s a fantastic provider and he loves his girls and I like crazy, but he is just not there to back me up for the everyday stuff that I have to deal with. 

My daughter has been fighting nonstop with her sister (who definitely does her part too), lying, disappearing, and sneaking off when she’s supposed to be at summer camp. They are already grounded for the disappearing act, so they are home all day, every day.   I feel like I cannot take my eyes off them for one minute or trust them with anything.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was this evening. I went to pay the camp director and discovered that my children were not in with the rest. After about 15 minutes of searching, my daughters and their friend walked by and realized that I had seen them. They snuck into our clubhouse building and out through the backdoor to the playground. They did not have permission to go and play around, nor were they supposed to leave an activity that they were supposed to participate in. I followed them and asked my daughter what she was doing. She lied her little butt off and told me that the camp director had sent her off to play. If that was the case, which is just about the most ridiculous thing I can think of, they wouldn’t have ran off when they saw me. My kids always greet me when they see me outside. This was pure sneaking and naughtiness.

My husband has been urging me to stop yelling so much. I hate the way I feel when I lose my shit yet again and yell at them for doing something I have told them not to at least 20 times before. The behavior has gotten so accumulative that I feel like I’m yelling ALL. THE. TIME. now. Nothing I say or do is getting through at all.

I am so incredibly frustrated and tired of feeling like I’m beating my head against a brick wall with no result except frustration on my part that I’m not getting the results I want. I have gotten to the point where I do not even want to talk to my children because I am far, far too angry to talk to them reasonably, and because I feel it will do no good.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is parenting without the makeup. It’s not the cute pink and blue onesies, or the hugs, or the feel good moments. They are definitely part of the package, but no one ever tells you about the other half. It’s the daily fight you put in to produce good people. You are the only one responsible for how your kids turn out. To top it off, if you have any decency as a human being, you just can’t quit. No matter what kind of shit your kid throws at you, you have to get back in there the next day and do it over again. When you have an independent child who prefers to make his or her own decisions, it can be like slowly peeling your nerves back every single day. You will be standing somewhere screaming “What the hell am I doing wrong that I can’t get through?” and no one will answer you.

I love having kids, but there are days like today where I feel so absolutely raw that I wonder if I am honestly up to the challenge in front of me. In my darkest moments, I wonder if I even should have had kids. Watching yourself fail on a regular basis will do that to you. I love those two girls with every breath in my body and it is very rarely returned. There is no courtesy, there is no dignity, there is no cooperation.  In their struggle to become independent people, I am disappearing.

To top it all off, my inlaws are coming over to stay for a week next week, so this drama will continue to play out in front of other people. Awesome. Nothing like having unpleasant family drama play out in front of people and get them to think you're doing it all wrong too.

By all means, if you’re going to be a parent, go in with your eyes open. It’s worth it. But sweet god damn is  it ever hard. I’m at the point where I don’t think I can go down any further.

If you have any advice, I’d love to hear it because I am tired of feeling like I have failed in regards to them yet again.

Becky