Listening To: Come Out and Play - Offspring
Mood: On.
I don’t think I’ve mentioned it on this blog (which is phenomenal, considering I’ve told every other person I’ve met between Chicago and Bangalore), but the G family has moved to India. Yep. We totally just packed up our stuff and wandered half way around the world. Let me tell you, it has been amazing so far.
Anyhow, raising kids here is slightly different than in the US. I have always felt that it is important to give your daughter(s) a voice. Girls still need to be actively taught that that not only is it ok to speak up for yourself and what you need, it’s essential. This is even more critical in India.
India is not a polite, sanitized, civilized place like the US. It is a place that in the best of times, does not treat men and women equally, and women are usually on the short end of the stick. Children are not taught to quietly take what an adult says. Because there are so many people fighting for the same resources, children are actively vocal in lobbying for what they want, even at the expense of politeness.
Moving to a new place is stressful. I still remember a few moves from my childhood that were super challenging for me to adjust to. I have generally been super proud of both of my daughters at how well they adjusted and really put in an effort to make this place a home and make friends. Both of my daughters play outside for a few hours in the evening with their friends.
That being said, we had an incident that really shocked me. I found out that my elder daughter, who is now 8, had been taking money out of my purse with which to buy candy. After much screaming, crying, and general drama (to which about half was me) she told me she was doing it to buy candy for her friends. At the best of times, my daughter doesn’t share much with me. She’s a pretty private person. Getting the whole story (or sometimes any of it) out of her is never an easy process, especially if she thinks she’ll get in trouble. After a few days, she told me that her friends were asking her to take some money and buy candy. When I asked her why she just didn’t say no and move on to playing something else, she told me she couldn’t. I don’t think I would have been more surprised at that response if my daughter whipped out an Uzi.
I have had many conversations with her about what stealing is and why it’s wrong, along with some of the consequences. I never in my wildest dreams would have thought that I would have had to deal with this situation with an 8 year old. Just because she didn’t want to say no to some pushy friends. Cue the panicky feeling that my daughter is going to grow up and make ten bazillion bad choices because she can’t stand up for herself and say no.
We talked about why it was important for her to stand up for herself and say no, even if it made her and/or others uncomfortable. Sometimes I have such thick skin, I forget that she does not. I have the feeling that someone is playing on her emotions and using her to get money for candy. I sympathized with her plea that it was hard, but told her again, that the more she practiced at this (like anything else) the better she would get.
I’m not saying that any of this excuses her behavior, it definitely does not. Nor did it negate the need for consequences in our house. I’m pretty sure the mental alarm bells for an 8 year old stealing stuff are real. I don’t want my daughter to feel like she can’t come to me if she has a problem, but there are some situations where she will just have to straighten her spine and figure out a way to get through.
There comes a time when we have to tell our daughters to just pipe down already (see: whining for 5 more hours when it’s bedtime) but this should rarely if ever be in reference to her standing up for herself. We need to stress to our girls that they deserve to stand up for themselves and that no one has the right to treat them badly. Sometimes in the struggle as parents to raise polite girls, this gets pushed to the side. Sometimes we would rather have a polite child than one that is capable of standing up for herself. I’m in no way saying that it’s ok for children to be rude. There is definitely always a way to stand up for yourself politely without giving in at all. I think this should be the goal. Telling them to play nice or be nice all the time is counter-productive. A girl should never be afraid to tell a “friend” to not talk meanly to her or treat her roughly. Learning this will help her to stand up for herself in other situations and give her the confidence to not accept crappy behavior and treatment – a crucial thing for all girls, young and old.
Becky
Anyhow, raising kids here is slightly different than in the US. I have always felt that it is important to give your daughter(s) a voice. Girls still need to be actively taught that that not only is it ok to speak up for yourself and what you need, it’s essential. This is even more critical in India.
India is not a polite, sanitized, civilized place like the US. It is a place that in the best of times, does not treat men and women equally, and women are usually on the short end of the stick. Children are not taught to quietly take what an adult says. Because there are so many people fighting for the same resources, children are actively vocal in lobbying for what they want, even at the expense of politeness.
Moving to a new place is stressful. I still remember a few moves from my childhood that were super challenging for me to adjust to. I have generally been super proud of both of my daughters at how well they adjusted and really put in an effort to make this place a home and make friends. Both of my daughters play outside for a few hours in the evening with their friends.
That being said, we had an incident that really shocked me. I found out that my elder daughter, who is now 8, had been taking money out of my purse with which to buy candy. After much screaming, crying, and general drama (to which about half was me) she told me she was doing it to buy candy for her friends. At the best of times, my daughter doesn’t share much with me. She’s a pretty private person. Getting the whole story (or sometimes any of it) out of her is never an easy process, especially if she thinks she’ll get in trouble. After a few days, she told me that her friends were asking her to take some money and buy candy. When I asked her why she just didn’t say no and move on to playing something else, she told me she couldn’t. I don’t think I would have been more surprised at that response if my daughter whipped out an Uzi.
I have had many conversations with her about what stealing is and why it’s wrong, along with some of the consequences. I never in my wildest dreams would have thought that I would have had to deal with this situation with an 8 year old. Just because she didn’t want to say no to some pushy friends. Cue the panicky feeling that my daughter is going to grow up and make ten bazillion bad choices because she can’t stand up for herself and say no.
We talked about why it was important for her to stand up for herself and say no, even if it made her and/or others uncomfortable. Sometimes I have such thick skin, I forget that she does not. I have the feeling that someone is playing on her emotions and using her to get money for candy. I sympathized with her plea that it was hard, but told her again, that the more she practiced at this (like anything else) the better she would get.
I’m not saying that any of this excuses her behavior, it definitely does not. Nor did it negate the need for consequences in our house. I’m pretty sure the mental alarm bells for an 8 year old stealing stuff are real. I don’t want my daughter to feel like she can’t come to me if she has a problem, but there are some situations where she will just have to straighten her spine and figure out a way to get through.
There comes a time when we have to tell our daughters to just pipe down already (see: whining for 5 more hours when it’s bedtime) but this should rarely if ever be in reference to her standing up for herself. We need to stress to our girls that they deserve to stand up for themselves and that no one has the right to treat them badly. Sometimes in the struggle as parents to raise polite girls, this gets pushed to the side. Sometimes we would rather have a polite child than one that is capable of standing up for herself. I’m in no way saying that it’s ok for children to be rude. There is definitely always a way to stand up for yourself politely without giving in at all. I think this should be the goal. Telling them to play nice or be nice all the time is counter-productive. A girl should never be afraid to tell a “friend” to not talk meanly to her or treat her roughly. Learning this will help her to stand up for herself in other situations and give her the confidence to not accept crappy behavior and treatment – a crucial thing for all girls, young and old.
Becky
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